This week hasn't
been the easiest. Not only have I come into first-hand contact with tough
situations, but I've also been dealing with hard feelings of my own.
It's difficult
to explain, but Africa does things to you. Here, it seems like I can hear God's
voice more clearly than when I'm in the US. I believe this is for two reasons:
(1) When you're in a 3rd world country, there are far less distractions; no
social media, no TV, no Internet, no constant texting, and isolation from your
normal life. (2) When you're pouring yourself out each and every day doing the
Lord's bidding, you’ll find His influence sits more prominently in your mind
than before. When I say “God’s voice,” it isn’t a literal speaking voice in my
head—though some believers do experience it in that way—but rather an
influence: I think of things I wouldn’t normally think of, make connections
that were previously unknown to me, etc. It’s difficult to explain in words, as
are most dealings with the Holy Spirit, but I am confident that God is speaking
to me, and my hearing is heightened here in Swaziland. Isolation always leaves
room for thinking, and thinking causes one to review their previous decisions
as well as plan for the future (or maybe that’s just what I, a super-planner,
do J). Isolation while serving the Lord allows God’s voice to
permeate through that thinking process, and so influence further decisions. In
simple terms, my time away in such a Spirit-filled place has allowed me to
think about my life: past, present and future. Sometimes this brings joy in the
anticipation of what God has planned for me, but other times it just troubles
me. For the past few months, I’ve felt some unrest in my mind. It’s really hard
to put to words, but it’s something like a dark cloud covering up the night sky.
I’ve been very frustrated with it because everything in my life seemed fine I
wanted to know what it was at that very moment (I’m kind of an impatient person
& want to resolve stuff here and now). But, I realize now that God’s timing
& reasoning is not our own, which ties right into the two difficult
situations I’ve experienced this week.
Situation 1
involves a young pregnant girl. At only 20, a year older than me, she has two
kids and a third on the way. She lives in a tiny room and, according to
American standards, should be hopeless. Janine came into contact with her a
little over a month ago by way of the social services office because she wanted
to give the baby she was pregnant with to Heart for Africa to live at the El
Roi Baby Home. With no job, no education, and two kids already, she realized
that this was the best option for her next child. So today, after taking her to
be induced yesterday, we finally got to pick up the newborn. After arriving at
the hospital, we waited for a bit and then headed to the maternity ward to see
mother and her newly born son, which she had named Blessing in SiSwati (uhh,
WOW!). Janine talked to her again, making sure this is what she really wanted,
and the young mother never faltered when saying “yes” to us taking him. Though
she was confident in her decision to let her child go to a loving, Jesus-filled
home, I was a bit shaken in this moment. I am a full-hearted believer in
adoption, but it was really hard to look at mother & newborn and then take
the little bundle of joy away that she worked so hard to deliver only hours
before. But what selflessness she has in knowing that the child will be in
amazing hands at Project Canaan! I was speechless as we took baby Daniel (his
Christian name) out of the hospital and I held him all the way home. What a
day.
Situation 2 is
that of Nomsa, Janine’s dear friend at the tuberculosis hospital. I won’t go
into detail about her whole story, as you can learn about that on Janine’s
Wednesday blog (wednesdayswithnomsa.blogspot.com). In short, Nomsa has been in
and out of treatment for TB for the past two years after spending the majority
of her young life trying to simply find a way to live. The ward, though full of
windows that overlook the beautiful Swazi countryside, is a grim place. She has
seen almost everyone she’s met there either die or be discharged, leaving her alone
and depressed. After reading about her for the past few months, I was overjoyed
to finally meet her last week. And what a joyous, beautiful woman she is! To
have gone through what she has and have the strength to say, “God is good,”
just gives me chills. This week, as we were taking the pregnant girl and her
child to get a prenatal checkup, Janine got a call from Nomsa: bad news.
Nomsa’s culture for multi-drug-resistant tuberculosis had come back positive,
meaning she would have to stay at the hospital for at least another eight
months. Now, Janine is one of the strongest women I have ever known, so to
watch her cry immediately after hearing this news really shook me up. We drove
right away to the TB hospital to comfort Nomsa, bringing her what we Americans
use to comfort ourselves: cake, fried chicken, fries, and soda. As we got out,
Nomsa walked towards us, crying and clearly distressed. For a long while, Janine
and her just stood & embraced, crying together as good friends do in times
of trouble. I spent the rest of the visit hanging out with Nomsa and Bongiwe,
one of the baby home Aunties who had come with us. What really happened, I
should say, is that Bongiwe was absolutely amazing in comforting Nomsa while I
stood there attempting to process everything that was going on. Janine met with
the nurse and doctor, trying to come up with a plan so that Nomsa would not
lose all hope & run away to die. Though Nomsa was in visibly better spirits
when we left, all of our hearts were heavy for her.
In both
situations, the question “Why?” sat foremost in my mind as I tried to
rationalize what was going on.
“Why does this
girl have to give up her baby, Lord? Why can’t you provide her with enough
resources to feed her three children and prevent the break-up of this child and
mother?”
“Why, Lord, does
Nomsa’s culture have to be positive? Why couldn’t you have healed her, God? Why
has she had so many heartbreaks in 25 short years?”
“If you are a
Good God, then why all of the pain?”
“Why, Lord?”
“For My
thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways My ways, declares the
Lord.
For
as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways
and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
-Isaiah
55:8-9
Oh, how I have
grown to treasure this verse. There’s my answer.
One of my best
friends, Marisa, told me of me of a saying that compares our problems to a
hand. If we hold our hand close to our face, it seems big. But, if you were to
look at that hand from fifty feet above, it would not seem as terribly
significant. I like to think of our pain and suffering like that. We can only
see the pain and suffering near to us, blocking our vision to what else is
going on. But the Almighty God, infinite in His knowledge and wisdom, sees our
problems in their relation to His perfect plans. We may never know the “why?”
behind the agony of this world, but we can rest assured that the God who Sees,
El Roi, knows exactly what He’s doing.
“We pray for
wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger
when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your
goodness, we doubt your love
As if every
promise from Your word is not enough
And all the
while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that
we'd have faith to believe”
-Blessings, Laura Story
It may only be
the second week of my internship, but I feel as if I’ve gained the experience
of many months already. I am on an incredible journey and am learning so much
about what it means to follow Christ on a day-to-day basis. Thank you for
keeping up with my via my blog J
With love,
Audrey
Also, if you’re
looking for songs to help you through a tough time, see below:
“Blessings”
Laura Story
“Trust and Obey”
Hymn
“Cornerstone”
Hymn (Hillsong version is great)
“Beautiful
Things” Gungor
“How Deep the
Father’s Love for Us” Nichole Nordeman
“You Revive Me”
Christy Nockels
“Sing Along”
Christy Nockels
“By Your Side”
Tenth Avenue North
