His Ways Are Not Our Ways

This week hasn't been the easiest. Not only have I come into first-hand contact with tough situations, but I've also been dealing with hard feelings of my own.

It's difficult to explain, but Africa does things to you. Here, it seems like I can hear God's voice more clearly than when I'm in the US. I believe this is for two reasons: (1) When you're in a 3rd world country, there are far less distractions; no social media, no TV, no Internet, no constant texting, and isolation from your normal life. (2) When you're pouring yourself out each and every day doing the Lord's bidding, you’ll find His influence sits more prominently in your mind than before. When I say “God’s voice,” it isn’t a literal speaking voice in my head—though some believers do experience it in that way—but rather an influence: I think of things I wouldn’t normally think of, make connections that were previously unknown to me, etc. It’s difficult to explain in words, as are most dealings with the Holy Spirit, but I am confident that God is speaking to me, and my hearing is heightened here in Swaziland. Isolation always leaves room for thinking, and thinking causes one to review their previous decisions as well as plan for the future (or maybe that’s just what I, a super-planner, do J). Isolation while serving the Lord allows God’s voice to permeate through that thinking process, and so influence further decisions. In simple terms, my time away in such a Spirit-filled place has allowed me to think about my life: past, present and future. Sometimes this brings joy in the anticipation of what God has planned for me, but other times it just troubles me. For the past few months, I’ve felt some unrest in my mind. It’s really hard to put to words, but it’s something like a dark cloud covering up the night sky. I’ve been very frustrated with it because everything in my life seemed fine I wanted to know what it was at that very moment (I’m kind of an impatient person & want to resolve stuff here and now). But, I realize now that God’s timing & reasoning is not our own, which ties right into the two difficult situations I’ve experienced this week.

Situation 1 involves a young pregnant girl. At only 20, a year older than me, she has two kids and a third on the way. She lives in a tiny room and, according to American standards, should be hopeless. Janine came into contact with her a little over a month ago by way of the social services office because she wanted to give the baby she was pregnant with to Heart for Africa to live at the El Roi Baby Home. With no job, no education, and two kids already, she realized that this was the best option for her next child. So today, after taking her to be induced yesterday, we finally got to pick up the newborn. After arriving at the hospital, we waited for a bit and then headed to the maternity ward to see mother and her newly born son, which she had named Blessing in SiSwati (uhh, WOW!). Janine talked to her again, making sure this is what she really wanted, and the young mother never faltered when saying “yes” to us taking him. Though she was confident in her decision to let her child go to a loving, Jesus-filled home, I was a bit shaken in this moment. I am a full-hearted believer in adoption, but it was really hard to look at mother & newborn and then take the little bundle of joy away that she worked so hard to deliver only hours before. But what selflessness she has in knowing that the child will be in amazing hands at Project Canaan! I was speechless as we took baby Daniel (his Christian name) out of the hospital and I held him all the way home. What a day.

Situation 2 is that of Nomsa, Janine’s dear friend at the tuberculosis hospital. I won’t go into detail about her whole story, as you can learn about that on Janine’s Wednesday blog (wednesdayswithnomsa.blogspot.com). In short, Nomsa has been in and out of treatment for TB for the past two years after spending the majority of her young life trying to simply find a way to live. The ward, though full of windows that overlook the beautiful Swazi countryside, is a grim place. She has seen almost everyone she’s met there either die or be discharged, leaving her alone and depressed. After reading about her for the past few months, I was overjoyed to finally meet her last week. And what a joyous, beautiful woman she is! To have gone through what she has and have the strength to say, “God is good,” just gives me chills. This week, as we were taking the pregnant girl and her child to get a prenatal checkup, Janine got a call from Nomsa: bad news. Nomsa’s culture for multi-drug-resistant tuberculosis had come back positive, meaning she would have to stay at the hospital for at least another eight months. Now, Janine is one of the strongest women I have ever known, so to watch her cry immediately after hearing this news really shook me up. We drove right away to the TB hospital to comfort Nomsa, bringing her what we Americans use to comfort ourselves: cake, fried chicken, fries, and soda. As we got out, Nomsa walked towards us, crying and clearly distressed. For a long while, Janine and her just stood & embraced, crying together as good friends do in times of trouble. I spent the rest of the visit hanging out with Nomsa and Bongiwe, one of the baby home Aunties who had come with us. What really happened, I should say, is that Bongiwe was absolutely amazing in comforting Nomsa while I stood there attempting to process everything that was going on. Janine met with the nurse and doctor, trying to come up with a plan so that Nomsa would not lose all hope & run away to die. Though Nomsa was in visibly better spirits when we left, all of our hearts were heavy for her.

In both situations, the question “Why?” sat foremost in my mind as I tried to rationalize what was going on.

“Why does this girl have to give up her baby, Lord? Why can’t you provide her with enough resources to feed her three children and prevent the break-up of this child and mother?”

“Why, Lord, does Nomsa’s culture have to be positive? Why couldn’t you have healed her, God? Why has she had so many heartbreaks in 25 short years?”

“If you are a Good God, then why all of the pain?”

“Why, Lord?”

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are My ways higher than your ways

    and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

              -Isaiah 55:8-9

Oh, how I have grown to treasure this verse. There’s my answer.

One of my best friends, Marisa, told me of me of a saying that compares our problems to a hand. If we hold our hand close to our face, it seems big. But, if you were to look at that hand from fifty feet above, it would not seem as terribly significant. I like to think of our pain and suffering like that. We can only see the pain and suffering near to us, blocking our vision to what else is going on. But the Almighty God, infinite in His knowledge and wisdom, sees our problems in their relation to His perfect plans. We may never know the “why?” behind the agony of this world, but we can rest assured that the God who Sees, El Roi, knows exactly what He’s doing.

“We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe”

-Blessings, Laura Story

It may only be the second week of my internship, but I feel as if I’ve gained the experience of many months already. I am on an incredible journey and am learning so much about what it means to follow Christ on a day-to-day basis. Thank you for keeping up with my via my blog J

With love,

Audrey

PS – This article (https://bible.org/seriespage/facing-your-feelings-14-dealing-disappointment) is quite a fantastic read. It definitely helped me in sorting through my emotions after this week.

Also, if you’re looking for songs to help you through a tough time, see below:

“Blessings” Laura Story

“Trust and Obey” Hymn

“Cornerstone” Hymn (Hillsong version is great)

“Beautiful Things” Gungor

“How Deep the Father’s Love for Us” Nichole Nordeman

“You Revive Me” Christy Nockels

“Sing Along” Christy Nockels

“By Your Side” Tenth Avenue North